Winning Fantasy Football 101

Whether you’re:

looking to get bragging rights over your friends, avoid that dreaded last place punishment, or just flex all over the haters who say you don’t know you’re shit.. You have come to the right place my friends. Ya boi is here to tell you the top things to do to propel your team to the top of the leader boards faster than Chris Johnson runs the 40. So take a seat, grab your note pad, and get those wrists ready to write down some magic.

Team Name

First of all, literally no one will respect you if you do not have a cleaver or funny team name. You can go two routes with this:

A) The football pun: these are great because you can get away with some NSFW names and get a smile from everyone who has the intellectual maturity of a freshman in high school (like myself). I always respect the good ol’ I Love The D…efense or Big Ol TD’s. Sure as God made green apples and Gronk still laughs at 69 jokes.. these names always play.

B) The Player Pun: it’s always great when you can incorporate your team into its name (RIP in peace to my ‘Fitz and Grit’ featuring Larry Fitz and Danny Woodhead. Gone but never forgotten). Throwing a player into song lyrics or a hip saying the kids are belting out nowadays always plays. *buyer beware, don’t pick this name before the draft because your heart will be ripped out after all your hard work slips away as your main squeeze gets snatched before you get the chance to pick him.

To achieve greatness here you just need to jump down a Chris Berman rabbit hole and you’ll be set to go ALL. THE. WAY.

2010 -- Chris Berman

The Draft

This is it. This is the big one! Nothing gets the juices flowing like hearing your phone (or your computer if you’re still stuck in the 90’s) bellow out “Your team is on the clock!”. Boy, I’m getting excited just thinking about it. Well, before that even happens you need to be fueled up and ready to rock. Don’t be that asshole that brings the veggie tray to the draft party even though we all know broccoli + ranch = heaven. Stop by your local gas station and pick up those Icehouse tallboys like the degenerate you are and grab some wings from BDubs. Don’t forget to grab a little gift for the host too.. You’ll never understand how much he/she is worried about their WiFi holding 10 people on the most important day of the fantasy season.

The Shit Talking

Possibly the most important part. The minute you have made your final pick, even if other people need to make their final pick, send out that tweet/text/verbal confirmation that you are going to absolutely annihilate the game this year. Strut your cocky self around saying how dumb Deborah or Glen were to take [insert player here] with the [insert draft pick here] pick. Flex your knowledge harder than Dan Bilzerian flexes on every other human on Insta. Remember: ‘ “heroes get remembered, but fantasy champions never die” – Babe Ruth’ – CJ Casey.


Okay, so if you have made it this far you have realized that this is in no way a blog on how to actually win your fantasy league. Linda honey, listen.. Fantasy success is 30% skill, 20% waiver wire pick ups and trades, and 60% luck. From the random draft order to wild injuries that screw you out of your massive $25 buy-in. This entire experience is a crap shoot.. So turn on your injury notifications and don’t even think about lower your helmet this szn. Have fun with it, we’re all in this boat together. (Unless you lose to your GF or BF, you then have grounds to end the relationship due to a conflict of interest)

*Side note. Approximately 0 people care about your fantasy teams so stop tweeting when your mans goes for 140 yards and 2 tuddies saying ‘big fantasy day for [insert player]. Also if you follow me on twitter, do as I say, not as I do because I am 100% guilty of doing this at least 2-3 times a year.

Good luck and may the odds be ever in your favor.

jæja, CJ


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